Life has been so much more than busy the last month (year?) or so. There is a lot of transition happening around here.
And also, sometimes Jesus is confrontational.
And sometimes He says "What is the point of examining your life if you are not going to change?"
And sometimes I get really scared at the thought of really seeing and understanding some of my wrong thought patterns and screwed up ideas.
And realize that I am way more scared of change than I ever would have thought (don't tell anybody).
And I realize that I am a thousand times more defensive than I ever would have thought. I mean I'm like scary, strategically defensive in ways that I didn't even realize until He pointed them out.
And there is really no way to change if I am so bent on defending myself so fiercely.
But somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that being perfect was more important than being honest.
And that the best way to "fix" myself was to punish myself.
Which made dealing with any problems that I may have accidentally uncovered seem like a terrible, awful idea and all but impossible to do without being totally crushed or at least incapacitated for awhile.
But then He said "Perfection is not what is required. Honesty is what is required."
And I sort of came undone. Which was really good. Because that lie is sort of my whole lfe. And being honest with myself, and with Him, and with the world, seems way easier than being perfect.
And I realized that if I stop punishing myself, then nobody will be punishing me. Which sounds great.
And then I can just humble myself and repent and start making different choices.
He has pointed out that my life is a result of my choices. Which I will admit garnered a little "Ouch" from me. But He didn't do it to be condemning, (duh?) It was actually a very empowering thing to realize once I let it sink in instead of defending my way out of it. Because it means that I can reshape my life by making better choices. Though yes, some unfortunate things have happened to me, they do not shape my life; the choices I make following those events are what shape my life. And I totally know that this is super basic stuff for a lot of people and it has all been said to me before, but when He says it it's all kinds of different.
And I have talked to Him about having the "right" to be upset. When something isn't going how I would like it to or when I'm setting a boundary and it is hurtful to someone.
And this is how that went:
Me: God this sucks, I hate it. This is hard.
Him: I know but it is right and I never promised you easy.
Me: Well I have the right to be upset right now.
Him: Ok. You also have the right to choose how that looks. Throwing a fit is not helpful, being angry is not helpful, shutting down is not helpful, melting down is not helpful. And you don't have time or energy to waste on things that are not helpful. It is ok for you to grieve this hurt.
Me: What does that even look like?
Him: You get to choose.
Me: Ok, but I'm afraid that if I choose to feel this pain it is going to swallow me up or crush me. At the very least it is going to ruin the rest of my day. Help me?
Him: Have I ever allowed you to be swallowed or crushed? You can cry without falling apart. You can talk to me about your pain. And I will be right here to hold you and comfort you. And you can keep on living your life. The world does not have to stop for you to grieve. Talk to me, let it out. Take a deep breath and move on.
So, kind of a lot going on. A lot of challenging stuff. But it's good I think to be challenged. But it is reeeeally hard too.
See you on the flip side...